Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Guergis splurges: down payments are for suckers

Women you have a lot to live up to if you’re going to match the productivity of your status leader in Ottawa, Helena Guergis.

Take a deep breath and away you go.

Start by entering a beauty contest at all costs even if the entry fee is an extortionists ransom of $4000. Once you’ve made the transformation from beauty queen to MP, get yourself a full, no down payment mortgage on an $880,000 dollar home in Ottawa from a Bank of Nova Scotia branch in Edmonton. Then re-write the lyrics to Happy Birthday as follows:

Happy Fucking Birthday to me
Happy Fucking Birthday to me
Happy Fucking Birthday to me
I guess I’m stuck in this hellhole
Without boots and only my sock feet
To walk around in this shitty airport.

Now practice this great come back phrase: “Don’t lecture me. I’m here working my ass off for you _______________________________." (fill in the blank), e.g. hellhole inhabitants of PEI.

After this, write a dozen or so ghost letters with the help of your staffers in praise of yourself to the national papers; all while celebrating your blow snorting husband’s DUI charge being reduced to careless driving and a $500 fine.

That’s quite a list ladies. Are you up for the challenge? Remember, to gain this kind of status you have to be willing to "work your ass off." That's the Guergis motto.

The journey from bubbly brunette to bubble-headed bleach blonde is hard work for any girl. This is why beauty queen experience is so vital.

I see world domination at the level of a Bond super-villain for any aspiring Guergis apprentice out there. After all, she's only a junior cabinet minister. Give her some time.

Check out Rick Mercer's Guergis Photo Challenge here.

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